~~ Stop pressing Rewind on the things that need to be Deleted from your life ~~
I started this blog with an intent to express my views about life and everything that revolves around it with other people out there but more importantly this blog was more of a personal diary to me. I wrote things that either i loved or something that annoyed me. Some of my blogs were what i could never do but would wish other people out there to not make the same mistake. And so is today’s post – Today i make an open confession to myself and that is I WAS AN INSECURE SOUL 😦 (i still am but in a minor %) .I have never been so personal in my posts this is a first.
I was an insecure person specially when it comes to people i love. It’s this constant reassurance i needed from them to know how important I am to them. I used to wait for them to evaluate me as a human being. Not that i was a shy introvert kind of kid, I was pretty confident and extrovert in my feelings. I always had a group of friends, my teachers loved me, i never had stage fear anything for that matter. Nobody would imagine that i would be such an insecure person back then.
But deep down only my mother knew how insecure a kid i was. I used to constantly ask her stupid questions like “do you love me?” “am i good daughter/sister ? even questions like “am i beautiful?” And she always used to scold me for acting dumb. She used to tell me how seeking reassurance from others is simply not required to know one’s worth. Things were easier till I was 18 and used to live with my parents.
As i stepped out for my studies to a new city where i knew no one, i was staying in a hostel, didn’t know the language or people – everything was new! I had mom to talk over the phone daily and things got better as i made friends(they are the best thing that happened to me in my life so far). I was enjoying my time doing my graduation, i was evolving as a new person I kind of got over those insecurities in the presence of my friends. They loved me as if i was one among them from their place and i was made a part of their own family. College was good, Life was good.
Now i moved to this amazing city Bangalore for my first job. And it was awesome, this city was nothing like my hometown and it was so busy and so many people, everyone running the rat race to perform well and move up the ladder. I had a good friend circle and amazing roommate. But there were times when you just miss your friends back from college and again this insecurity hit me whether people would accept me and will i be able to make another good bunch of friends. Now i was in my mid twenties and i wanted to look pretty and beautiful and i wanted to have an amazing romantic life that every girl dreams of and just within a year of my job my mom passed away. And my life just shattered. I didn’t have her anymore to tell her what and how i feel about life. I lost that one person who was my strength and i don’t know am finding it difficult to put it in words for the first time in blogging. Confessions are difficult! ehh!!
After six months of depression, i was back on track, i went into a relationship for almost like seven months, broke my heart and all that melodrama that follows. I was single for sometime and then i started feeling the need of having someone to confide my feelings, more than falling in love it was the fear of being alone that made me being vulnerable to people. And i realized it was just not worth it.
Sometimes you just need to accept yourself and give your own self reassurance that you are there for your own when no one else is around. You are there to compliment yourself, you are there to pamper yourself, you are there to scold and advice yourself , you are there to motivate and push your own self and YOU ARE THERE TO LOVE YOURSELF.
And though late in life, i have realized this when am 29 years old and i think am happy that it’s not too late. I might have wasted a couple of years to let other people evaluate me and tell me my worth but am gonna live long (hopefully) and so i think it’s never too late to make confessions to yourself and learn something out of it. Starting this blog has been a major booster in life for me. As i write to bring a change in myself, i somewhere wish some girl who fights insecurities finds strength in her through my blog.
You don’t need a man to tell you that you are beautiful, you don’t need to be a different person so that you can have friends, your friends who love you and respect you would hold on to you through thick and thin no matter how long you have not seen one another or spoken they would be there for you if you could just be yourself with them. You don’t have to boast about your work cause eventually your hard work would show and bring success to you. You don’t have to ask anyone to know how good you are in anything, You just need to do what makes you happy from within and it would automatically resonate in your life and the people in it.
Nothing holds you back more than your own insecurities. So go kick the ass out of those insecurities of your own self and just love yourself.
P.S: i have never felt so difficult in putting my words but now that i did i feel happy and relieved. I thank all those amazing people in my life who have accepted me the way i am and have seen the worse of me. I guess people who stick to you in bad times are the ones who deserve your good.
This post is written for the Half Marathon Blogging Challenge at Blog Chatter and also the reference for the first ten days has been taken from 10 Day Writing Challenge that i saw on Shane’s blog which was inspired by dakilanggerlpren